Cage Match 2010, Round 1: 12) Harry Dresden vs. 21) Conan the Barbarian


Harry Dresden.jpg

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Conan the Barbarian.jpg

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The Contestants

Harry Dresden
Age: 30s
Race: Human
Weapons / Artifacts: Staff, duster, rings, bracelet…
Special Attack: Evocation and energy blast

The Barbarian
Age: 30s
Race: Human (Cimmerian)
Weapons / Artifacts: Big sword
Special Attack: Killing things

The Breakdown


  • A powerful wizard, given grudging respect even by the White Council
  • Perceptive–sees things even the cops don’t
  • Quick on his feet, especially in a fight

  • Huge and incredibly strong, but as lithe as a panther
  • Has traveled all over Hyperboria and killed many of its rulers
  • Much smarter than he looks–both a brilliant tactician and a charismatic leader

  • Truly rotten luck. Every. Time.

  • Can’t let a princess pass him by unmolested.

  • N/A

  • N/A

How we think the fight will go

It was a baffling case. Harry had been over the room twenty times, it felt like, in person and in the photos, and it didn’t add up. The princess was gone, and nobody could possibly have scaled the sheer face of the building to get to her. Or even if they somehow did, then they’d have to get the girl out again, presumbly kicking and screaming, slung over a shoulder. Harry flashed back to the glare she’d given him at dinner just a few nights ago and shook his head. Definitely not a girl who would’ve gone easily.


Harry jumped up, grabbing his staff and rushing out the office door, leaving his cold coffee and sandwich to molder all over the case files. On top of the desk, slowly developing a coffee stain, was a file labeled C.B., with a photo on top featuring a giant of a man, staring squarely at the camera with sullen blue eyes.


“I thought I’d find you here,” said Harry. The other man didn’t move. He’d been waiting when Harry came into the park, sitting with easy grace atop an outcropping of rocks, his sword resting across his knees. How does he get away with carrying that sword, and I have to get an earful every damn time I cut through Chicago’s red tape? Harry let his staff slip lower, preparing to strike. The other man didn’t move.

“How’d you do it?” he said. “How’d you get her to come with you?”

The other man smiled at last. “Are you going to put that toy down, or am I going to have to take it away from you?”

In answer, Harry lunged, firing a burst of energy at the other man–but he was no longer there. No one’s that fast, he thought, and suddenly a fist landed in his back and he dropped the staff.

Harry swore, falling, and rolled onto his back in the dirt just in time to see the barbarian leap over him, silhouetted against the stars, hurling his sword down toward Harry’s throat. Harry yelled and threw up his hands, bouncing the sword away almost instinctually and turning to face his opponent. And just as he turned to strike, he felt a hand close around his throat.

“Knew I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed,” was all he managed, before the Cimmerian’s powerful hands closed down and choked away his life.

Predicted Winner: Conan

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Harry Dresden is a character from Jim Butcher’s The Dresden Files series; Conan the Barbarian is a character from Robert E. Howard’s Conan stories

Harry Dresden image courtesy of thegryph. Conan image courtesy of Earl Norem