Cage Match 2010, Round 1: 8) Ged versus 25) Edward Cullen



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Edward Cullen.jpg

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The Contestants

Wizard of Earthsea
Age: ??
Race: Human
Weapons / Artifacts: Staff
Special Attack: Um, wizardry

Edward Cullen
Age: 17 (104)
Race: Vampire
Weapons / Artifacts: Vampire Powers
Special Attack: Bloodsucking

The Breakdown


  • One of the most gifted wizards of Earthsea–so much so that they named a book after him
  • Knows the power of the name and the Old Speech
  • Dedicated to doing right and correcting any errors he might have made

  • Runs incredibly fast, immensely strong, and can jump super high
  • Doesn’t “need” to breathe
  • Super-charming, and his breath smells like sweet, sweet candy

  • Ged is a pretty stupid name. Just saying…

  • Where do we start…

  • N/A

  • N/A

How we think the fight will go

When Ged got the call for this fight, he was reluctant to participate (as well as bewildered by the strange device called “the telephone.”). He just didn’t think it was right for him to destroy what appeared to be a pale, preening, brooding teenager. In fact, he kind of just wanted to give him a hug and tell him “Things will get better after high school–I promise.”

“Considering what his own life was like after school (“You try tracking down and defeating an evil shadow that you had unleashed upon the world!”), he really didn’t see how this Edward Cullen character could possibly be a threat.

That was until he was attacked by a horde of vicious, angry fangirls.

“We won’t let you hurt Edward!” they screamed. “For Bella!”

“We do not wish to harm you. We simply need to take you into custody.”

Crying out random names rapid fire, Ged tried to subdue them:

“Caitlyn! Amber! Jessica! Allison! Courtney!” He figured at least some of those had to be their true names. And sure enough, they were halted by his great power. Parting the mob down the middle, he looked past them to see Edward, glaring at him with his smoldering eyes.

“Just leave me alone, old man,” Edward sneered. “You don’t know what you’re up against.”

“No–I’ve seen a 30 Seconds to Mars video–I have an idea.”

“I. AM. NOT. EMO!” Edward roared, running at Ged way faster than the wizard expected. Saying the Old Word for “shield,” he got his defenses up just in time to prevent the vampire from crushing his sternum.

“Okay…regroup,” Ged, also known as Sparrowhawk, thought.

But there was no time. Edward was upon him, punching so hard that it was all Ged could do to keep himself from being pummeled. He thought it was over–that all his training and power were for naught–when the normally overcast sky of Forks cleared up just enough for the sun to shine down.

And make Edward start to sparkle.

Ged started giggling. “Seriously?” he asked.

“Wh–” Edward asked, and then saw that his hands were all sparkly. “God damn it…”

It didn’t matter, though, because Ged had figured out Edward’s true name. Saying it aloud, Edward was banished from this world, causing the gaggle of girls to break free of their bonds and screechingly run after Ged, who realized he had to flee or be trampled under their hormonal onslaught.

As he ran away, the true name he spoke could still be heard on the wind.


Predicted Winner: Ged

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Ged is a character from Ursula Le Guin’s A Wizard of Earthsea series; Edward Cullen is a character from Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series

Ged image courtesy of Les Edwards and Spectra Books. Edward Cullen image courtesy of Summit Entertainment