Cage Match 2010, Round 2: 5) Rand Al’Thor vs. 21) Conan the Barbarian


Rand Al.jpg

Image courtesy of The Hub Pages

Conan the Barbarian.jpg

Image courtesy of Earl Norem

Rand Al’Thor
The Dragon Reborn
Age: 20s
Race: Human
Weapons / Artifacts: Callandor
Special Attack: Channeling world destructive amounts of the One Power

Age: ??
Race: Human (Cimmerian)
Weapons / Artifacts: Big sword
Special Attack: Killing things

  • Trained to the hilt in swordsmanship–is an unofficial blademaster
  • Can channel enough One Power to end all life
  • Has an indestructible sword so powerful it drives it’s users mad

  • Huge and incredibly strong, but as lithe as a panther
  • Has traveled all over Hyperboria and killed many of its rulers
  • Much smarter than he looks–both a brilliant tactician and a charismatic leader

  • Mentally and emotionally unstable–a voice in his head occasionally takes control over him
  • Has two wounds that will never heal and lost his left hand in a battle

  • Can’t let a princess pass him by unmolested.

  • Locke Lamora (Trust us–he’s really dead)

  • Harry Dresden (Now no one’s listed in the phone book under “wizard”)
How we think the fight will go

He was far from Cimmeria, and in a strange place–a vast iron cage, and beyond it the dank and sweaty hell of the howling mob in the stands–but still it was a world Conan understood: It was a battlefield, and so it was his true home. So his thews were steeled and his nerves whetted and he was as dangerous as a hungry tiger as he strode into the ring, and thought not on battles past, not even with that wily wizard in the swirling black coat whose bones Conan had ground into dust. He spared no more than a grim and commanding glance for the gorgeous wenches who swooned and fainted in his wake. There would be time enough for them later, time enough for them all. When he entered the ring he raised aloft his brawny fist and so roused his hordes of fans to frenzy.

Though he knew some underestimated him–the price, alas, of a matchless, beautifully masculine physique–his mind crackled with calculation as he regarded the tall, slender man in the other corner. It would not be the first time Conan had taken down a wizard, though he had heard tale and legend that this one commanded powers far beyond his ken. One glance sufficed to tell him that one rumor in particular was true; the truth of it glowed in Rand al’Thor’s eyes. By Crom, the man was mad…and Conan knew that made him only all the more dangerous. Best to take off his head then in one mighty swipe.

Behind Rand al’Thor Conan espied a sign he liked even better: Rand al’Thor’s own little harem, Egwene Al’vere, Elayne Trakand, and Aviendha, urging their champion on. Even as the last ululating lllllllll trailed off in the battle cry of “Let’s get ready to rrrrumbbbbllllle” and Conan charged to the center of the ring with his sword borne aloft he could not help but give them all a long, lingering look with his smouldering gray eyes… and then, the seal of his fate, an irresistable smile.

Until that moment, Rand al’Thor had heard nothing, not the bloodthirsty cries of the crowd or the announcer calling his name or Conan’s bone-chilling battle cry, only the names of all the women that would not stop haunting him. It was only when he heard it–that of the women he loved, sighing for the barbarian in the center of the ring–that his mind snapped back to the moment, and to the weaving of the balefire.

One moment, there he was: a massive, hugely muscled bulk, imposing as a Hyborian mountain, and the next moment he wasn’t. All over Cimmeria his name vanished from the memories of the storytellers, and disappeared from the scrolls, and his legends went dark.

And in another faraway land and another faraway time, Robert E. Howard lights another cigarette, stares down at the blank page, and tries to remember the brilliant idea–its hulking shape still looming in his mind–that had flashed in his mind not a moment ago… and then disappeared as quickly as it came.

Predicted Winner: Rand al’Thor

(Rand Al’Thor is a character from Robert Jordan’s The Wheel of Time series; Conan the Barbarian is a character from Robert E. Howard’s Conan stories.)

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