Disaster 1: Sterility

 

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There’s a disturbing trend already under way: The total sperm count of all males on the planet has dropped by half in just under fifty years. If this fertility trend persists at the current rate, another fifty years’ time may very well see the last human beings born on Earth. A sperm count of less than 20 million per milliliter is the technical definition of infertile, and at the current rate of progression, that’s going to be the average within our lifetimes. We’re dangerously close to being completely sterile as a species.

It’s certainly not the worst apocalypse imaginable; in fact, it’s one of the better ones. Sure, there will be the inevitable last- minute, panicked attempt at self- correction as we try to save the species–just like with any other apocalyptic scenario – except that in this case, instead of erecting bunkers to shield us from a nuclear tornado or collecting shotgun shells before the zombie invasion, we’ll just try to bone each other as hard, fast, and as many times as humanly possible.

But it’s still the end.

Most evidence of this reduced sperm count comes from citizens of industrialized Western nations, leading many to believe that technology–while unarguably awesome–is nevertheless out to neuter you; while conversely, shitting in a ditch is apparently just excellent for fertility. We were first made fully aware of this worrying trend by a Dutch scientist named Niels Skakkebaek, when he conducted a worldwide poll of sperm levels in 1992. Ol’ Dirty Skackback, as his friends undoubtedly call him, went on a veritable world tour of semen, and when he was done–sticky, exhausted, and no doubt walking funny–he found that sperm counts had not only dropped significantly (by the aforementioned half at some estimates), but that even semen with average sperm counts contained a much higher number of deformed sperm than in the past.

This conclusion was soon echoed by other scientists all across the world; scientists like Jarkko Pajarinen, a professor from Helsinki, who conducted a study comparing the testicular tissue of five hundred men from 1981 against men from1991. He found that the normal sperm production in men from ’81 contained about 56 percent healthy sperm. But by’91, it had dropped to a little over 26 percent.

Ten years!

Only ten years’ difference and the effectiveness of our Littlest Gentlemen had dropped by half! If our collective balls were a company, they’d be filing for bankruptcy. Oh, and one more slightly less frightening, but still embarrassing factoid: Professor Pajarinen also found that the overall weight of the testes had decreased as well. To put that succinctly, the average modern man has the smallest recorded balls in history. Your verbally abusive stepfather was right!

You are half the man he is! 

Robert Brockway is the author of Everything is Going to Kill Everybody and an editor and columnist for Cracked.com and runs the successful humor site IFightRobots.com. He lives in Portland, Oregon.


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