The apocalypse is coming! What form will it take and how will you survive the catastrophe? Read the scenarios and vote on how you would survive!
The Book of Juggalo, Chap. 1.
Lo, and the seas turned red with the stain of a thousand discarded bottles of Faygo, for recycling is whack. So sayeth the Clown.
Utilizing an ancient rite involving the red nose of Bozo the Clown stolen fresh from his grave and a scratchy 45 of Vanilla Ice’s “Play that Funky Music,” a secret cabal of Juggalo elders usher in the Clownpocalypse, ending the world as we know it.
After cable news stations run terrifying videos of a sixty foot Ronald McDonald stomping Peoria, Illinois flat under his big, red floppy shoes, the President of the United States signs an unconditional surrender to the Insane Clown Posse. Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J claim the White House and proclaim 2010 the Year of the Clown.
The education system suffers a series of violent shocks as science textbooks are seized and edited overnight. Explanations for things like cellular mitosis and photosynthesis are removed, replaced with Posse-approved explanations: “It’s a miracle,” and “It’s magic. Don’t nobody knows.” The Texas Board of Education lauds the curriculum changes, forging an unlikely alliance between the Insane Clown Posse and advocates of Intelligent Design.
Meanwhile, Faygo replaces mother’s milk and formula as the choice source of nourishment for infants. The early consumption of sugary soda becomes a key step toward creating an entire generation of Insane Clown Posse shock troops. Unfortunately, it also rots out their teeth, necessitating that these elite commandos carry plenty of liquid nourishment. Favorite foods include Scooby-Doo branded “Go-gurt” and the tears of their disappointed parents. No one, it seems is safe from the prying, garishly painted eyes of the Insane Clown Posse and their Juggalo Army.
The Insane Clown Posse has taken over the world. How will you survive?
1. Take your own life. Like Fred Gwynne said in “Pet Sematary,” “Sometimes, dead is better.” Goodnight, sweet prince!
2. Join up. You were always the theatrical type, and even if the Juggalo hordes don’t know the difference between Pagliacci and Rice-A-Roni, an opportunity to dress up as a clown 24/7 has to be fun.
3. Go rogue. Taking your cue from the scariest clown of all, The Joker, you terrorize the new Juggalo order from within their ranks, safely anonymous beneath your makeup.
4. Martyrdom. You refuse to be “down with the clown.” Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty clowns!
How will you survive the Insane Clown Posse?customer surveys