How Would Your Favorite SF/F Characters Fix the BP Oil Disaster?

 

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We’re weeks into the response to the BP oil spill, and experts are saying that it could cost $100 billion dollars or more to repair all the damage. Politicians, executives and environmental groups are all playing a blame game with very little real progress being made in controlling the disaster.
What we really need right now is a hero. That’s right, Bonnie Tyler, we need someone who can take control of this environmental nightmare and fix it, no matter what it takes. A larger-than-life disaster needs a larger-than-life solution. For that, I ask how would some of our favorite SF/F characters fix the oil spill disaster? Let’s take a look:


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Hero: Randolph Carter
Origins: The writings of H.P. Lovecraft
Randolph Carter, a thinly disguised alter ego of the gentleman from Providence himself, would probably solve the problem by traveling into the Dreamlands and enlisting the help of ghouls, hyper-intelligent cats and various otherworldy powers in an all-out attempt to staunch the flow of oil. Unfortunately, with this being a Lovecraftian solution, the real cause of the oil spill would probably be Cthulhu himself. I’d love to see Rep. Joe Barton offer an apology to the tentacle-faced horror from R’lyeh.
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Hero: Aquaman
Origins: DC Comics
Considered by many to be an ineffectual excuse for a superhero with borderline useless powers, Aquaman (A.K.A. Dances-with-Flounder) may have his moment to shine with the BP oil spill. Surely he could fix the spill with the help of all his ocean-going friends, right? Sure, if any of them are left alive – an increasingly unlikely proposition with more and more oil poisoning their habitat. Oh, and even if he can count on his fishy allies, I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for Aquaman. I don’t recall seeing any footage of him during Katrina. You know what? On second though, forget Aquaman.
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Hero: Luke Skywalker
Origins: The Star Wars saga
With an ally like the Force and a lightsaber that cuts metal like it’s butter, Luke could very easily fix the spill, provided he could make his way to the bottom of the Gulf. An easier way to fix things would be for Skywalker to assume control of BP itself. Spoiler: Tony Hayward is his father. Search your feelings. You know it to be true, little person.
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Hero: Optimus Prime
Origins: Transformers franchise
While Optimus Prime himself can only transform into a semi truck (not that useful for the high seas), the resources to be found among his Transformer allies could be put to good use constructing a permanent solution to the oil spill. Possible complication: The Deepwater Horizon oil rig itself is revealed to be a Decepticon. Or worse, a Gobot. Can Transformers and Gobots interface, or will they have OS compatibility options? On an aside, can one of you please make an “I’m a Mac” parody video featuring Optimus Prime and Leader-1?
Okay, your turn: How do you think the heroes of fantasy and science fiction would handle the oil spill?