Cage Match–Villains!: 1) The Nothing versus 32) Eric Cartman


The Contestants

The Nothing.jpg

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The Nothing
Denier of dreams
Age: Ageless
Race: Nothing
Weapons / Artifacts: None
Despair and illness

Eric Theodore Cartman
The ‘Coon
Age: 9
Race: Human
Weapons / Artifacts: Has been known to carry a dagger, sai, baton, Bowie knife, mace designed for use on bears, Glock 17 pistol, and assault rifles…and his balls
He is a born leader and a master at manipulation and mob control; a gifted musician; speaks Spanish and German; is able to devise complicated schemes; and has kept South Park hippie-free since he was four-years old

The Breakdown


  • Lack of corporeal form makes him virtually impossible to fight
  • Able to devour the will of those it comes in contact
  • Grows bigger and bigger the more territory it takes over


  • Has a limitless capacity for bringing pain and destruction to his enemies
  • Can fart on command with deadly odor
  • Can convince his mother to do anything for him

  • Has a penchant for being defeated by children

  • He’s a fat, whiny little child

  • N/A

How we think the fight will go

Atreu and the Childlike Empress watched the scene before them.

That’s who’s the next hero?” Atreu asked in disbelief.

“Heroes are not always what they seem,” the Empress said, although she too wasn’t sure this young child was up to the task.

For one thing, he was…well, awfully fat. And although the Empress didn’t like to think such things should matter—he had the book—it was still not exactly what she expected.

“That pudgy kid is going to break Falcor’s back!” Atreu snorted.

“Now—enough of that,” she replied, stifling a smile of her own. Below, they could see the boy called Cartman approach the Nothing.


“You’ve entered the story,” the Nothing growled. “Why do you foolish children think you can fight me?”

Cartman scoffed. “I’ve eliminated a hippie infestation, I’ve helped Mongols raid South Park, and I’ve led campaigns to rid the world of Gingers and people from New Jersey.

“I’ve fought Osama bin Laden—you’ve got nothing, Nothing.”

“Is fear nothing? Once you know despair, you’ll think twice about coming after me.”

Cartman started laughing. “Despair? You douche—I’ve starved a kid to go to a Mexican restaurant. I’ve frozen myself because I couldn’t wait to get a Nintendo Wii. What could you possibly do to me? Hell, the last kid who came through here just had to say someone’s name and you got defeated.”

“Yes, but…”

“The funny thing about fear is that it requires imagination, something I’ve learned is quite real…and quite powerful.”

Cartman closed his eyes, and the next thing the Nothing knew, it was no longer a vast, incorporeal being covering Fantastica with fear and despair.

Instead it looked like Kyle Broflovski…surrounded by woodland critters.

“Have fun, Nothing,” Cartman smiled.

“Wha…” the being that looked like Kyle said. “Am I supposed to be afraid of these animals?”

“It’s up to you…but if you know what happened to Kurt Russell, you would be.” And Cartman turned around, whistling a tune as Nothing-Kyle’s screams filled his ears.


“I think I’m going to be sick,” Atreu said, glancing at horror as a rabbit and squirrel did truly atrocious things to the Nothing’s—now a little boy’s—eye sockets.

“I didn’t even think someone could still be alive after what that deer did,” the Empress said.

Finally the screams below stopped, and the small animals turned up to look at Atreu and the Empress with their glowing red eyes.

“I think we’re in big trouble,” the Empress said, backing away.


Back home, Cartman sat…eating Cheesy Poofs.

Predicted Winner: Eric Cartman


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Check out the next match!

Check out the Bracket

The Nothing is a character from The Neverending Story by Michael Ende; Eric Cartman is a character from “South Park”

The Nothing image courtesy of Bavaria Film and Warner Bros. Studios. Eric Cartman image courtesy of Comedy Central