Cage Match 2011: Severus Snape versus Lestat


The Contestants

Severus Snape.jpg

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Severus Snape
Death Eater…Order of the Phoenix?
Age: Mid-Forties
Race: Human
Weapons / Artifacts: Wand; potions
Sectumsempra & Polyjuice Potion

Lestat de Lioncourt

Age: 250
Race: Vampire
Weapons / Artifacts: Killer wardrobe; fangs

The Breakdown


  • No remorse
  • Master of Potions
  • Spells galore

  • Superhuman strength and speed
  • Blood from ancient vampires has given him telekinesis and pyrokinesis
  • Charming, seductive, and endlessly devious

  • Physically weak

  • Vain and self-absorbed


How we think the fight will go

Severous Snape walks cautiously between the mausoleums of St. Louis Cemetery No. 1 in New Orleans. It is an hour before sunrise and he has his wand at the ready, a short broken wooden stake tucked into his belt.

Snape takes long strides as he walks through the foggy morning, his black cloak billowing in the wind. As he turns to his left, a dark shape falls straight down from the sky and lands soundlessly on top of one of the ancient mausoleums ahead of him, throwing up a cloud of dust in the predawn moonlit gloom.

Lumos,” Snape says softly as he holds his wand, which casts a bright light in front of him. He sees a man rising to an upright position on top of the stone structure, pushing long blond hair out of his eyes. “The vampire Lestat,” Snape says slowly and precisely.

“Indeed,” says Lestat, “and what vampire are you supposed to be dressed as?”

Snape does not respond but transfers his wand to his left hand and moves his right hand slowly towards the stake.

“English tourists, always starting fights,” says Lestat, shaking his head. After a short pause, Lestat reaches out his hand and the stake comes flying out of Snape’s belt and smashes against a large stone on the ground between them, breaking into several pieces. Each of the fragments of wood are too small to be used for staking vampires, let alone as blunt objects for striking humans. Lestat leaps down from the mausoleum gracefully, hitting the ground running. He charges towards Snape and bares his fangs with a snarl.

Snape stands his ground, simply uttering “Tarantallegra!” as he lowers his wand at the charging vamp. Lestat is suddenly locked in place as his legs swoop from side to side, moving uncontrollably. Snape chuckles as he walks slowly up to the trapped vampire who is engaged in some kind of Italian folk dance from the waist down—and is throwing a fit from the waist up.

“You do know…” he pauses dramatically, “I am very well trained in defense against the Dark Arts, but if you insist on continuing this fight, here’s my signature spell—Sectumsempra!” Snape brings his wand down towards the trapped Lestat, and suddenly a force comes slashing through the air at the vampire. To Snape’s surprise it passes right through him, leaving him unharmed.

“Not so good against the dead, now is it?” Lestat says. He brings his hand forward and lets loose an enormous ball of fire at Snape.

Snape falls to the ground and then spins away from the blast of flame. He stands up, brushing off his robes. “You act as if I’ve never battled a dragon before,” he says sternly.

In a flash Lestat is on top of him. “You think you’re fast? I can tell you’re a little too familiar with, what did you call it? The Dark Arts. Intrigued are you? But alas I will not be turning you tonight.” Lestast pauses. “Though a wizard vampire… intriguing indeed. Never tasted wizard before. Sounds delicious,” and then dives fangs-first for the neck of his prey.

Snape bolts aside just in time and then silently casts a spell of invisibility, literally disappearing into the night.


Snape sits under a tree, cloaked by his spell, trying not to breathe too hard, lest the sound betray his position. He figures it is only a few minutes until sunrise and the vampire must have retreated into one of the plethora of coffins available to him in a place such as this. Still the wizard dares not move or make a sound until the sun is fully overhead.

As he crouches on the ground, he thinks back to the accusation Lestat made about his desire to embrace the Dark Arts. He tells himself there is no temptation, that he would ever go back to Voldemort’s side.


Moments later the sun is overhead…and Lestat is standing over Snape. “I can track you by listening to your thoughts,” he says. He points up to the sun. “You thought I’d run from that thing? I drank the blood of ancient vampires—Akasha and Mangus—better than any of your cheap potions. You wizards love tricks, do you? How do you like daywalking?”

Snape slowly rises, removing his invisibility as he stands. “Bloody Frenchmen,” he mutters, “always showing off.”

Lestat laughs, but his laugh is cut off as Snape casts another of his signature spells, “Langlock!” and Lestat’s tongue is suddenly stuck to the roof of his mouth. “Much better,” says Snape, who is now the one smiling. Lestat throws back his long hair and stares at Snape with a deathly stare.

The two beings begin to circle each other slowly and silently, each one locked in the other’s gaze. In a flash of movement, Lestat is behind Snape and with a great power beyond the strength of any mortal, throws the wizard to the ground. Working without hesitation—and with the speed of the ancient vampire he is—Lestat leaps onto Snape’s upper back, crouching over it as he pulls on the greasy hair, jerking back the wizard’s head. In a blink he is sinking his teeth into the stunned wizard’s neck.

Snape struggles against the grip holding him down and tries to pull his neck away from the hungry mouth, but once a vampire gets a taste…

Lestat does not have to use the full extent of his strength to restrain Snape, but he does. It is just better that way.

Lestat drains much of the wizard’s blood before releasing his head, still holding down his now weak body. “You make such a big deal of being a half-blood, but this mix… just enough human, very nice. Worthy of the title prince” As Lestat breathes in the glory of the kill, Snape—struggling to breathe—reaches in vain for his wand, which is lying inches from his hand, totally useless to him. “Accio… Accio,” he says sluggishly, struggling to get his wand into his hand before he expires.

Predicted Winner: Lestat


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Severus Snape is a character from the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling; Lestat de Lioncourt is a character from the The Vampire Chronicles series by Anne Rice.

Severus Snape image courtesy of Grant Gould. Lestat image courtesy of Geffen Pictures

Josh Pollock contributed to this Cage Match