Cage Match 2012: Round 1: Revan versus Y.T.

 

The Contestants


Revan.jpg

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YT.jpg

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Revan
Jedi Knight
Age: Mid 50s
Race: Human
Weapons / Artifacts: Lightsaber; Force powers
Special
Attack:
Force lightning

Y.T.
Kourier
Age: 15
Race: Human
Weapons / Artifacts: Skateboard; poon gun; shiv
Special
Attack:
Liquid knuckles

The Breakdown

Advantages

  • Advanced precognition abilities and battle foresight allows him to anticipate his enemies’ intentions and actions
  • Superhuman speed and reflexes
  • A strategic and tactical fighter
Advantages

  • Protective uniform loaded with pockets full of multifarious gear, picks, knives, and gizmos
  • Escape artist
  • Uncle Enzo thinks she’s peachy keen and his Mafia’s got her back
Disadvantages

  • Spent most of his life unsure which gender he was…
Disadvantages

  • Still lives at home with her mama
Kills

  • N/A
Kills

  • N/A

How we think the fight will go


Sure, Revan’s single-handedly dispatched Mandalorian Crusaders, Jedi Knights, and Sith Lords, but he’s never gone up against Nova Costra’s ace gofer, a brazen, foul-mouthed, skateboarding spitfire who surfs traffic for a living. Y.T. (short for “Yours Truly”) ain’t no ramp turd and when Revan tries to stop her from delivering an envelope full of glitterstim spice she immediately gains an early lead as she carves, grinds, skids, and kickflips circles around him, her retractable smartwheels enabling her to skitter walls and bank off the ceilings. Her enemy thoroughly confounded and bound by the Jedi code (Revan’s no chick-puncher), Y.T. presses her advantage and subjects the reeling Jedi to a flurry of blows, pokes, and stabs before lobbing a bundy stunner at him.

Revan regains his senses in the nick of time and leaps away from the stunner. The kamikaze Kourier fires her poon gun (as in “harpoon,” kids), its magnetic cable affixing itself to Revan’s armor, and yanks hard, bringing the Jedi crashing to the ground. As she reaches for a can of Liquid Knuckles, Revan applies a judiciously-placed burst of Force lightning that reverberates down the length of the poon cable and short circuits Y.T.’s smartwheels. She loses her grip on the ceiling and face plants.

Hard.

“Smooth move, Ex-Lax,” Y.T. mutters. Dabbing a trickle of blood from her nose and whipping out a deliverator gun given to her by her bud, Hiro Protagonist, she lets loose a barrage of tiny darts that fly at the speed of sound. But Revan’s reflexes are blisteringly fast; he ignites his green-bladed lightsaber with a snap-hiss, battering the projectiles to the side. This guy’s got even more moves than Hiro! thinks Y.T. as she tosses another bundy stunner. But Revan’s standed all he can stands and he can’t stands no more. He decides to end this dance by Force-hurling it back at her as it detonates, its shock-wave flattening her. While she’s dazed he shackles her with her own shock cuffs and makes off with her contraband.


Predicted Winner: Revan





NOTE: THIS MATCH ENDS ON THURSDAY, MARCH 8th, 2012, AT 5 PM, EST

Check out the previous match from the Professor Xavier’s School for the Gifted: Danger Room bracket!

Check out the next match!

Check out the Bracket



Revan is a character from Star Wars (Lucasfilm, Ltd); Y.T. is a character from Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson


Revan image courtesy of Lucasfilm, Ltd and Del Rey Books . Y.T. image courtesy of Spectra Books



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