Cage Match 2012: Round 1: Revan versus Y.T.


The Contestants


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Jedi Knight
Age: Mid 50s
Race: Human
Weapons / Artifacts: Lightsaber; Force powers
Force lightning

Age: 15
Race: Human
Weapons / Artifacts: Skateboard; poon gun; shiv
Liquid knuckles

The Breakdown


  • Advanced precognition abilities and battle foresight allows him to anticipate his enemies’ intentions and actions
  • Superhuman speed and reflexes
  • A strategic and tactical fighter

  • Protective uniform loaded with pockets full of multifarious gear, picks, knives, and gizmos
  • Escape artist
  • Uncle Enzo thinks she’s peachy keen and his Mafia’s got her back

  • Spent most of his life unsure which gender he was…

  • Still lives at home with her mama

  • N/A

  • N/A

How we think the fight will go

Sure, Revan’s single-handedly dispatched Mandalorian Crusaders, Jedi Knights, and Sith Lords, but he’s never gone up against Nova Costra’s ace gofer, a brazen, foul-mouthed, skateboarding spitfire who surfs traffic for a living. Y.T. (short for “Yours Truly”) ain’t no ramp turd and when Revan tries to stop her from delivering an envelope full of glitterstim spice she immediately gains an early lead as she carves, grinds, skids, and kickflips circles around him, her retractable smartwheels enabling her to skitter walls and bank off the ceilings. Her enemy thoroughly confounded and bound by the Jedi code (Revan’s no chick-puncher), Y.T. presses her advantage and subjects the reeling Jedi to a flurry of blows, pokes, and stabs before lobbing a bundy stunner at him.

Revan regains his senses in the nick of time and leaps away from the stunner. The kamikaze Kourier fires her poon gun (as in “harpoon,” kids), its magnetic cable affixing itself to Revan’s armor, and yanks hard, bringing the Jedi crashing to the ground. As she reaches for a can of Liquid Knuckles, Revan applies a judiciously-placed burst of Force lightning that reverberates down the length of the poon cable and short circuits Y.T.’s smartwheels. She loses her grip on the ceiling and face plants.


“Smooth move, Ex-Lax,” Y.T. mutters. Dabbing a trickle of blood from her nose and whipping out a deliverator gun given to her by her bud, Hiro Protagonist, she lets loose a barrage of tiny darts that fly at the speed of sound. But Revan’s reflexes are blisteringly fast; he ignites his green-bladed lightsaber with a snap-hiss, battering the projectiles to the side. This guy’s got even more moves than Hiro! thinks Y.T. as she tosses another bundy stunner. But Revan’s standed all he can stands and he can’t stands no more. He decides to end this dance by Force-hurling it back at her as it detonates, its shock-wave flattening her. While she’s dazed he shackles her with her own shock cuffs and makes off with her contraband.

Predicted Winner: Revan


Check out the previous match from the Professor Xavier’s School for the Gifted: Danger Room bracket!

Check out the next match!

Check out the Bracket

Revan is a character from Star Wars (Lucasfilm, Ltd); Y.T. is a character from Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson

Revan image courtesy of Lucasfilm, Ltd and Del Rey Books . Y.T. image courtesy of Spectra Books

Cage Match fans: We are looking forward to hearing your responses! If possible, please abstain from including potential spoilers about the books in your comments (and if you need spoilers to make your case, start your comments with: “SPOILER ALERT!”


  • Anon

    I don’t know what’s more ridiculous, trying to compare Revan to Snow Crash or the fact that Star Wars fans are going to overwhelming vote for Revan while probably being totally unaware of Snow Crash in the first place.

  • Grace

    Gotta say, I think this one would be YT–a Jedi just wouldn’t know what to do with her.

  • eric

    Yeah I strongly dislike seventy millionth jedi x novels and never read them… but still gotta be honest and say a jedi would beat YT. (though, the write up did forget her dentata…too much maybe?)

  • KevinB

    Revan originates, not from one of the seventy million poor jedi novels, but from the game Knights of the Old Republic which completely wipes the floor with anything else Star Wars related including the original trilogy. And I’m a fan of those. He’s one of the greatest military minds the galaxy (far, far away) has ever seen, is a master swordsman and a very powerful force user.

    I’d love to see him go up against another combat focused ‘magic’ use, like say Kelsier.

  • D.I. Waisanen

    “Gotta say, I think this one would be YT–a Jedi just wouldn’t know what to do with her.”

    Maybe so, but immobilizing her with the Force would probably be a good start. ; )

  • wcarter4

    Which Revan are we talking about hear? Darth Revan, Jedi Revan, (re)Darth, redeemed Revan?
    The answer largely dictates what he would do, but ultimately lifting YT off the ground and immobilizing her would probably be the start and end of the ridiculously short fight, the only question is whether he would bother to kill her.

  • Jermell Williams

    I thought duelist versus metal dragon was the biggest mismatch. I was wrong.

  • D.I. Waisanen


    I’m pretty sure that the canonical version of Revan is redeemed in the game, so I’d say it’s that one, unless it’s a version of Revan that is before the events of KotoR

  • Darthcaz

    I wuld assume the Revan used would be Revan reborn, which is detailed in the book which allows him to compete in Cage Match. As Revan rebon, he has experienced th strengths of light and dark, and balances along the razor-thin line between the two and drawing power from both. See: one of, if not the, most powerful Jedi ever.