Cage Match — Round 5 — Granny Weatherwax versus Kylar Stern


The Contestants


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Esmerelda “Esme” Weatherwax
Age: It’s rude to ask a Witch her age
Race: Witch
Weapons / Artifacts: Flying broomstick

Kylar Stern
Age: 20s
Race: Human
Weapons / Artifacts: Knives; throwing spikes; sword…pretty much any weapon
Black ka’kari

The Breakdown


  • Incredibly powerful witch
  • Particularly skilled at tricking people without using magic
  • Can “Borrow” another’s senses

  • Powerful Talent (magic)
  • Skilled assassin
  • Has endured much in the way of pain and heartbreak

  • Committed to doing “Right”

  • Somewhere, deep down, he’s got a bit of a conscience


How we think the fight will go

The arena was abuzz with anticipation, hoping finally to see Granny Weatherwax actually fight someone this time.

They weren’t disappointed…too much.

She looked slightly ridiculous as she swung the massive sledgehammer down on Kylar’s head, but not quite as ridiculous as the young man who simply stood there, catching the full brunt of the heavy weapon. With a sickening crunch, Stern’s skull was nothing but the container for blood pudding–and not the kind you’d find in a delightful Irish breakfast.

Later, when all the fans clamored that the black ka’kari would never have let such a thing happen, Granny simply shrugged and pointed out that what happened happened. With a nod of her head, she referred them to the neck and torso lying prone on the floor of the arena, and the pool of gore that seemed to flow from the top of it.

“Seriously, though–the black ka’kari makes Kylar invincible,” a fan said.

Granny sighed, as if the proof wasn’t in the–ahem–blood pudding. She tapped a long finger against her temple.

“Listen, sonny. If I say a thing is so, then it’s so. And if I happen to convince someone that something is so, then it’s so, too.

“Now the black ka’kari is a nice-enough sort–although a bit disrespectin’ in my opinion. So when I suggested to it that this Stern character was a bad seed, it listened. When I also told it that treating people like objects is sinful, would you believe it was ashamed?

“Well of course it was! Shameful thing, acting like people is things. People are people, and there ain’t no nevermind about that!”

The disbelieving fan stared at her with his jaw agape. “You…you…”

“Spit it out, boy. I ain’t got all day.”

“You used Headology on the black ka’kari?”

“If you say so.”

“And it just left Kylar?”

She simply shrugged.

“But that’s impossible!”

“If you say so.”

“No–seriously. It’s impossible! And even if it wasn’t, Kylar still is one of the most skilled, fearsome fighters ever.”

“Didn’t seem like that to me,” Granny huffed.

“But…but…,” the fan spluttered.

“Listen: power is power. And I ain’t one to brag, but if Death doesn’t scare me, do you think a young man will? Do you think a bit of black goo will? Maybe the ka’kari is a bit more naive than you or I think. And maybe Kylar thought I couldn’t hurt him, because he had the ka’kari–even though he didn’t. And maybe he thought he’d just come back to life after, being so ‘immortal’ and all. And maybe…”

“But that’s bull–”

Granny slapped him across the mouth. She narrowed her eyes on the fan.

“If you want bull, I can give you a bull,” she said menacingly. “Maybe turn you into one–with some nice pink bows to go with it.”

The fan shook his head rapidly from side to side.

“Good. Then none of that gutter-talk from you.” She relaxed, and looked at the fan speculatively. “So what did you see today?”

“That–even as impossible as it seems–” and at this the fan flinched, expecting Granny’s wrath, but she only stood there, calmly. Relieved, the fan continued. “That, as crazy as it seems, you bashed Kylar’s head in with a sledgehammer.”

“Well, if you saw it that way,” she said, smiling, “then that’s how it must have happened.”

Predicted Winner: Granny Weatherwax


Check out the previous Semi-Final match!

Check out the Bracket

The Finals start April 9th, so be sure to check in to see who will be Cage Match 2012 Champions!

Granny Weatherwax is a character from the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett; Stern is a character from the Night Angel series by Brent Weeks.

Granny image courtesy of Victor Gollancz, Ltd. Kylar Stern image courtesy of *syku-wolf.

Don’t forget–we’re always looking for fans’ depictions of these characters. Check out the details here

Cage Match fans: We are looking forward to hearing your responses! If possible, please abstain from including potential spoilers about the books in your comments (and if you need spoilers to make your case, start your comments with: “SPOILER ALERT!”