Cave Troll Reviews The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug


Team Del Rey saw an early viewing of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug last night, so we figured a movie review was in order. But folks are pretty busy around the office today, and I wasn’t able to go to the movie (sadness and despair), so we’ve asked Cave Troll to help us out. Over to you, Cave Troll.

cave troll reviews the hobbit

Cave Troll saw The Hobbit and—spoiler alert—Cave Troll loved it. Much better than first movie. We finally got meaty action scenes, and when meat is involved, Cave Troll is happy. Also very pleased with somewhat darker tone. Cave Troll likes when things are dark—dark like caves.

At first, Cave Troll was worried about 3D—Cave Troll hates 3D—but 3D Hobbit action sequences quite good. Cave Troll wasn’t distracted by 3D effects like Cave Troll sometimes is, and could instead focus on rooting against the hobbit and his silly dwarves.

Also good was Dol Guldur scenes, where stupid old wizard gets shown who’s boss. Plus lots of fights, which Cave Troll appreciates, and beautifully rendered environments that Cave Troll would love to wreck. Cave Troll thought fights were best scenes. Especially the part when uppity blonde Elf was punched in pretty face. That was best part. Very funny. Cave Troll laughed.

Cave Troll does have one issue, however. Maybe Cave Troll just cranky on account of new diet, but the human Peter Jackson makes touchy-feely  scenes exactly seven seconds too long.

Cave Troll timed it.

Cave Troll knows.

Cave Troll understands that uppity blonde Elf and Tauriel and stupid Dwarf are all in weird Elf-Dwarf love, but why so much time spent on lingering looks? Cave Troll was in love once, but didn’t waste time with googley eyes. Cave Troll caught fat dwarves for romantic offering, only didn’t know how to season them…

But Cave Troll digresses.

Speaking of Tauriel, Cave Troll was surprised that Cave Troll enjoyed her scenes. Was hesitant at first, because who needs more Elves? Not Cave Troll. But Tauriel was nice addition to cast and good at fighting, and Cave Troll thought she did good job, even though she likes uppity blonde Elf and stupid Dwarf.

Cave Troll thinks the CumberDragon should have won, but understands this is movie about the puny hobbit creature and his dwarf friends. Also thinks humans may be right about this Cumberbatch. Is great actor.

In conclusion, Cave Troll thinks new Hobbit movie is must-see. Is very good. Like meat. Juicy action sequences. Tender moments. Some blood. Has everything. Except cave trolls. Cave Troll disappointed. Not sure why he didn’t hear from the human Peter Jackson. Cave Troll thinks he did pretty okay in the Lord of the Rings movies.