How we think the fight will go
EXT. FOREST MOON OF ENDOR.
LEIA and SEE-THREEPIO are being escorted through the brush by four very agitated EWOKS with spears. Threepio is struggling to keep pace with LEIA, whose stride is full of purpose.
(translating for EWOK)
They came across her a few hours ago while patrolling for stranded Imperial soldiers. From what I can gather, she quite literally appeared in from of them, almost as if she had teleported — but such an ability has not been reported since the Clone Wars.
(confused and slightly frustrated)
And you say they wanted Luke to speak with her first?
Apparently she was able to incapacitate six of their best hunters without so much as moving a finger. It’s likely they wished to have the support of a full Jedi master before confronting her again. (Pause) I have a bad feeling about this, Mistress Leia. Perhaps we should have waited for Luke to return from his mission to Sullust after all.
(turns to look at THREEPIO)
You know we don’t have that kind of time. The Empire may still be putting out fires all over the Galaxy right now, but eventually they send another wave of troops our way. If this girl’s as powerful as the Ewoks are saying, then she’ll be a valuable asset to us.
But Mistress Leia — what if she is their next wave of troops?
The look on Leia’s face tells us that she’s thought of this, too.
We’ll deal with that if we come to it. For now, we start with diplomacy.
An Ewok shushes the two of them abruptly and motions ahead with one paw.
There is a large clearing outlined by the trunks of violently uprooted trees. In its center, a figure in a blood-soaked baby blue nightgown sits on a large rock. She is curled in a fetal position with her back to us, her shoulders heaving with quiet sobs. Around her lie the fallen Ewok hunters, bodies run through with branches. Their spears now hover above their heads in a slow orbit around the figure.
Leia slowly walks in front of her party of Ewoks, towards the edge of the clearing. A few larger branches crunch loudly under her foot. The hovering weapons suddenly snap to attention, and the figure becomes frighteningly still.
Hello? Are you all right?
No answer. Leia takes another tentative few steps, mindful of the spears. THREEPIO clanks forward to catch up with her, but Leia holds her hand up to him sternly and he halts in place. She turns her attention back to the figure.
My name is Leia Organa. I’d like to help you. Can you tell me your name?
Still no answer. Leia notices where the blood on the figure’s gown is coming from: a stab wound just under her where her back and shoulder blade meet.
I’m sorry if the Ewoks hurt you. They’re just trying to protect their home world. They’re not used to seeing outsiders like us around.
May I take a look at your back?
The spears begin to tremble in the air, and the Ewoks raise theirs in retaliation. Leia’s right hand goes instinctively to the blaster at her side.
Ileeay, edha tyehtgeethin!
Hutar! Che womok!
Leia turns to her companions again with a look that clearly says, “Shut the hell up, you contemptible little fur balls. I got this shit.”
The Ewoks quiet themselves, but do not lower their weapons. Threepio does not look convinced either, but that is sort of his default expression, so we’ll call it a win for Leia.
(turning back to Carrie)
I must say, I’m very impressed. I’ve never seen anyone with a gift for the Force as exceptional as yours.
The way you can make objects move like that, I mean. It’s incredible. My brother’s been studying the art of the Jedi for years and isn’t even close to reaching the power you’re showing us right now.
Carrie turns to look over her good shoulder. Her eyes narrow suspiciously when she sees just how pretty and confident Leia is. Leia’s gaze, however, softens. Carrie is much, much younger than she’d expected.
That’s not a real thing. Those aren’t real words. You’re making fun of me.
I’m not. I promise you.
Momma — my momma said I was a witch. She tried to kill me. She’s dead now.
There is a dark side to the Force. But there’s a light side, too. It’s possible your mother… didn’t understand.
(nods in agreement)
She didn’t understand a lot of things.
All I ever wanted was to be normal. I just wanted to be like everybody else. They’re all dead now, too.
I’m… sure it couldn’t have been your fault.
No, it was.
She looks up, fire in her eyes.
They made fun of me, and they tricked me. They all laughed at me, just like Momma said. I wanted them all to burn.
I didn’t want to kill Momma, though. She just… she wouldn’t stop comin’ at me with the knife…
If we were filming a documentary-style television program, this would be the moment where Leia side-eyes the camera uneasily. Alas, it is not, so Leia has nowhere to direct her overwhelming sense of dread. Instead she draws a deep breath.
(gentle but deliberate)
Listen, that’s all in the past. You did what you had to do to survive. I don’t blame you for that. You’re here with us now, and I’m sure my brother can teach you to control your power. To use it for good, if that’s what you want. You don’t have to go through this alone anymore.
An agonizing pause. The tension is so thick that you could cut it with a lightsaber.
And y-you won’t laugh at me?
(probably too quickly)
You have my word.
Carrie stands and turns around to face them, clutching the sleeves of her nightgown on either side. The spears lower themselves to the ground. Leia exhales a sigh of relief. Her hand leaves the blaster.
My name’s Carrie. Carrie White.
Carrie. That’s a lovely name.
(Eyeing Threepio and the Ewoks)
Where is this?
The Forest Moon of Endor. It’s in a remote sector of the Galaxy’s Outer Rim Territories.
(seeing Carrie’s confusion)
I take it you’re a long way from home.
I’ve never even left town before. I thought this might be hell.
It’s not. It’s actually very nice, once you get used to sleeping in a tree. But there are other worlds we could go to that are much nicer. For now, we’ll find a place for you with us.
(To her companions)
Let’s head back to Bright Tree Village. Threepio, you go on ahead and see if you can’t find any medical supplies we can use to treat Carrie’s wounds. Han might know where to find some.
Is Han your brother?
Remembering her last exchange with Han about Luke, Leia instinctively chuckles. As she turns back to face Carrie, she realizes her mistake too late.
Y-You said you weren’t gonna laugh.
Oh no, Carrie, I wasn’t–
You gave me your word.
You’re right, I’m sorry–
(With a cold rage)
You lied to me. Everyone always lies to me.
Leia begins to instinctively move backwards.
Carrie, listen to me, it’s not like that–
An uprooted trunk suddenly swings up from the ground, catching Threepio and two of the Ewoks to Leia’s left. The Ewoks are instantly crushed; Threepio is still functioning, but very badly damaged.
Choo doo! Dangar!
The third Ewok charges past Leia with his spear aimed at Carrie; she telekinetically hurls him back towards Leia, who barely manages to lunge out of the way.
Oh dear, oh no, we’re doomed–
Leia fires her blaster twice in Carrie’s direction before taking cover behind a tree.
Den! Den! Chyasee!!
Leia hears a high-pitched bloodcurdling shriek as the forth Ewok flies past her, impaled on the spear of his comrade. As she readies herself to fire again, the blaster flings itself out of her grip and lands somewhere in the brush beyond her reach.
Son of a…
Carrie? Just listen to me. We can fix this. There doesn’t need to be any more blood.
This was the wrong word to use. Carrie, who has finally and completely lost it, begins to cackle psychotically.
A-and God made Eve from the Rib of Adam, and Eve was weak and loosed the raven on the world–
–and the raven was called sin, and the first sin w-was intercourse, and Eve was weak–
The tree shielding Leia rips itself from the ground with a sickening squelch. She throws herself backwards to keep from falling in the holes made by the tree’s roots escaping upward.
–and the Lord visited Eve with the curse, and the curse was the curse of blood.
Thrown off-balance and unable to right herself, Leia sees the tree coming at her but can’t move out of the way in time. All she can do is cover her head with her arms in anticipation.
Her head hits the ground just before the tree does. Everything goes black.
Predicted Winner: Carrie White
NOTE: THIS MATCH ENDS ON Friday, March 14, 2014, AT 12:00 PM, EST
Editor’s Note: Victoria McNally lives in New York and works as an associate editor at Geekosystem, a nerdy news, science, and culture website. She can be found tweeting at @vqnerdballs, and spends far too much of her free time thinking about Sailor Moon.
Cage Match fans: We are looking forward to hearing your responses! If possible, please abstain from including potential spoilers about the books in your comments (and if you need spoilers to make your case, start your comments with: “SPOILER ALERT!”