How we think the fight will go
A round, shadowy chamber. Nondescript and dimly lit but with unmistakeably Star Wars-y decor. It is presently occupied by two hooded figures, one on either side, facing each other. The first throws off her hood to reveal: slim, dark-haired, bright-eyed Leia Organa. The second slowly lowers her own hood. She is … also Leia?
Both Leias simultaneously: Wait. What?
Screen Leia: What’s going on here? If this is your foul trickery, Lord Vader …
Book Leia (she is considerably older than screen Leia, by 20 years or so, and possessed of more gravitas, though her beauty is undimmed): Hmmmm. I’m not getting any of the usual Vader-stench. Strange. This is no trick: it appears that we are both Princess Leia. Though I believe I must be from your future, as you are from my past. How can this be?
Screen Leia: I don’t get it either. Time travel is way more of a Star Trek thing. We don’t mess around with that stuff in Star Wars.
Book Leia: Though there are precedents. There was this one comic book from the 1990’s, Star Wars Galaxy 2, where …
Screen Leia: Yeah, yeah, I can read Wookieepedia too. Look, I’m representing the movies here, I don’t hold with any of that Expanded Universe continuity. Maybe it’s like that cave on Dagobah where Luke had to fight Vader, but it wasn’t really Vader, because then his mask fell off and it was Luke’s face … you see where I’m going with this. It could be one of those Jedi worthiness tests.
Book Leia: Well, if we are to be tested, I am ready.
Book Leia adopts a combat stance and boots up her lightsaber, a blue one, with the usual awesome sound effect. Screen Leia squares off as well, but then she stops.
Screen Leia: Oh my God, we get a lightsaber?
Book Leia: Pretty sweet, huh? Built it myself.
Screen Leia: Whoa. Hang on. Time out. I mean, I get some sweet blaster action in the movies, but I never get anywhere near my own lightsaber.
Book Leia: I know. Look, don’t tell anybody, because you’re not really supposed to know yet—or at any rate not till the way end of Return of the Jedi—but we actually have bigtime Force powers. Major league. I’m totally a Jedi Knight. Oh, also: don’t snog Luke, he’s your brother.
Screen Leia struggles to take all this in.
Screen Leia: OK. OK. Feeling just a little cheated here.
Book Leia: Yup. Force Push, Telekinesis, Telepathy – I’ve got pretty much the full suite of powers. Check it out — Jedi Mind Trick! Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself …
Screen Leia is hitting herself. With an effort she breaks free of Book Leia’s control.
Screen Leia: I don’t care if you’re me, you are so dead.
She produces a blaster from under her robes, but before she can even get a shot off Book Leia has Force-Punted it across the room.
Screen Leia: Dammit.
Book Leia now violently Force-Pushes Screen Leia back against the wall, pinning her there.
Book Leia [sarcastically]: What’s that? Oh no, you’re on a diplomatic mission? Really?!? I better not do this then…
She winds up for the coup de grace, a bigtime Saber Throw…
Screen Leia: OK, OK! Fine! I yield! Expanded Universe me is more badass! Whatever! [mutters] Laser brain.
Book Leia relents. She powers down. It’s not like she was going to do it anyway. What, you really thought Leia was going to kill her younger, non-expanded universe self? Like that would happen. Also it would totally bork the timeline.
Book Leia: I’m glad that’s settled. But we still have to find a way out of this arena-room thing. I’m pretty sure this scene was supposed to end with one of our deaths, so we’re going to have figure out some other way to satisfy the fans.
Screen Leia: There’s probably a large demographic out there who would be satisfied if just we made out.
Book Leia: I think death might actually be preferable.
Screen Leia: Agreed.
Screen Leia: Look, can’t you just use your shmancy Force powers on them?
Book Leia: Oh, totally. I should have thought of that. [She waves her hand in our direction] You just saw me kick Screen Leia’s ass. She died. The end. Wrap it up.
I, the author, fall under her spell and am satisfied. I prepare to wrap this up.
Screen Leia: Thanks. I guess in theory after the movies end I become you, so it’s good to know I’ve got something to look forward to.
Book Leia: You definitely do. And there’s a lot you don’t know even about your own past. Like in between Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, while Han was frozen in carbonite, I totally made out with a Mandalorian.
Screen Leia: Oh my God. You slut.
Book Leia: It was for tactical purposes. Mostly.
Screen Leia: Whatever. Now teach me some Force powers.
Book Leia: With pleasure.
Predicted Winner: Leia Organa
NOTE: THIS MATCH ENDS ON Tuesday, April 22, 2014, AT 12:00 PM, EST
Cage Match fans: We are looking forward to hearing your responses! If possible, please abstain from including potential spoilers about the books in your comments (and if you need spoilers to make your case, start your comments with: “SPOILER ALERT!”