Cage Match 2010, Round 1: Jaime Lannister versus Hermione Granger



Image courtesy of Michael Komarck

Hermione Granger.jpg

Image courtesy of Warner Bros

Jaime Lannister
The Kingslayer
Age: 34
Race: Human
Weapons / Artifacts: Sword (Valyrian steel)
Special Attack: Insanely hot

Hermione Granger
Honor Student
Age: 17
Race: Human
Weapons / Artifacts: Wand (vine and dragon heartstring)
Special Attack: Extreme pedantry

  • The greatest swordsman of his age
  • Golden hair, flashing green eyes, killer smile
  • Has no qualms about murdering and/or crippling children

  • The most brilliant witch in her class
  • 9 Outstandings on her O.W.L.s (and one Exceeds Expectations)
  • Has a library card and isn’t afraid to use it!

  • Missing his sword hand

  • Compassion, empathy

Click here to see what author George R. R. Martin thinks will happen

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No, no.

Jaime does not actually own a Valyrian steel sword. The blade he used to kill King Aerys is common castle-forged steel, gilded to match his golden armor. But he can certainly get hold of a Valyrian blade for the fight — Widow’s Wail, the twin to Oathkeeper, both made when his father had Ice melted down and reforged. Widow’s Wail went to Joffrey, but we all know how that turned out. Now it belongs to Tommen, but the kid’s not old enough to use it.

A sword is not enough, though. This duel is life and death. Jaime is not likely to prance into that clearing smiling and clad only in cloth. He’ll armor himself before the match. His gilded plate-and-mail (this is not a fit occasion for the white of the Kingsguard), a crimson cloak, and a shield strapped to his right arm and emblazoned with the lion of Lannister. And of course he will have a helm. Knights who enter battle without one are soon dead. He can smile at Hermione before the match, then lower his visor. The helm, of course, would be fashioned in the shape of a maned lion. (Oddly enough, the Lannister arms look a lot like those of Gryffindor, which might give Hermione a moment’s pause).

He’s not going to waste time and effort swatting at birds with his sword, either. He’s encased in gilded steel. What are they going to do, crap on him? He’ll rush right through the birds, and go straight for Hermione. A sword is not a knight’s only weapon. While she’s watching the blade, he will slam his shield right into her face, knock her off her feet. Let her try and mumble those spells with a mouthful of broken teeth.

And if somehow Granger does get off that spell (cheating, really) and turn him upside down, Jaime is more likely to undo the straps on his shield and fling it at her head then to hang there meekly waiting to die.

But hey, let’s say everything goes the way your “experts” say it will, and Hermione wins. Sad to say, she will not live long to enjoy her victory. Sometime very soon, when she least expects it, a “boy” she does not know will bump up against her in the corridors of Hogwarts… and suddenly she’ll find a dagger sliding through her ribs, right into her heart. “A Lannister always pays his debts,” Tyrion will say, as he slips back into the shadows.

How we think the fight will go

Hermione had prepped even harder for this battle than she had for her O.W.L.s, and in much the same fashion–by hitting the library. She had read d’Artagnan’s Duelling for Dunces, and knew Montoya’s The Soul of a Swordsman by heart. And even though it meant learning a little Valyrian, she had memorized all of the properties of Valyrian steel. The magic that coursed within the Kingslayer’s sword would repel expelliarmus, cut through a shield charm, and rebound a blasting curse upon its caster.

And yet she was unprepared for the moment in which the golden-haired warrior strode into the clearing in the Forbidden Forest. How could she ever have swooned over Gilderoy Lockhart? Jaime’s blond hair shone even in the darkness. And his green eyes, so like the sea after a storm… For a moment, she couldn’t remember quite what she had planned to do.

Her hesitation gave Jaime just enough time to unsheathe his sword. Jaime knew he should not underestimate this little wench, with her bushy brown hair and largish front teeth, so unlike his sweet sister. He would have one shot, no easy task with his still unpracticed left hand, his useless golden right. But one quick slash would even the score.

He would take her right hand, in which she gripped that infernal wand.

Gather, Hermione, gather, she said to herself, and cried “Confundus!” just as Jaime swung his sword. The Kingslayer was not so easily confounded as that McLaggen creep, however; he did not lose his footing, nor his grip on his sword. Jaime moved into his next attack with the preternatural quickness of a Dementor, but Hermione’s avis charm proved faster. A flock of birds circled Jaime’s head and threw off his aim. But with one mercilessly accurate slash he neatly sliced through all of them and their little corpses fell to the ground.

Jaime felt a thrill of pride and power as he brought his sword back for the killing blow. And for a moment, he was sure he had her–

–But then the world suddenly turned upside down.

Hermione had to admit that Jaime was markedly less glamorous dangling upside down, his sword waving around uselessly, the victim of a Levicorpus charm. In fact, she could not quite find it within herself to finish him off. She saw in his eyes such a look of torment and sorrow that she realized how deeply misunderstood he was, how he had suffered…

Later Jaime would not even remember hearing the little witch cry “Obliviate!” But he had just one moment of consciousness–one moment, as the painful memories of his glorious past, of losing his hand, of Cersei’s face, slipped away–in which to whisper “Thank you.”

Predicted Winner: Hermione Granger (Five points to Gryffindor!)

(Jaime Lannister is a character from George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire series; Hermione Granger is a character from J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series.)

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